“Where are you????”
Posted on May 11th, 2009
If a Loved One has died, does that question keep coming to mind?
We know that they died. We had arranged the memorial services. We had composed and published the obituary, cancelled credit cards, gave away some of their beloved belongings. We know with certainty that their earthly bodies were buried, or they were cremated. So, rationally, intellectually, of course we know that they are dead.
And yet. And yet a part of our brain keeps asking: “Where Are You?”
The question is not where – in the afterlife – have they gone.
It is not a question that we consciously formulate. It does not come from our fervent wish that it were not true. It does not come from the ‘top’ of the brain, from the thinking part of the brain. It comes from the depths of our psyche… like a deep primal cry that demands an answer.
“You died?????” Died?
It feels very bizarre and weird… and feels like a very real, valid question.
It is a very common feeling.
Why is that? Why is it so hard for the brain to completely wrap itself around the reality that our Loved One has died.
Certainly there is the whole neural imprinting thing1, which has much to do with expecting them to just walk in the door as they always did before. It is so primal, though, that I believe it can be traced back to an ancient adaptation of the brain designed to ensure survival of as many individuals as possible, and therefore survival of the species.
In the early days of humankind's history, there was no medical technology available to confirm with complete certainty that someone had died. There was only one definitive test for discovering if a person was really dead: time.
After all, the individual could have been so ill and barely breathing that they appeared dead and yet, they were still alive and might recover given the chance. They could have been deeply asleep, knocked out, or in a coma, but still alive and would wake sooner, or later – but, they would wake.
Such deep slumber is possible. I know some friends who slept SO soundly that their young children used to go into their room in the morning, take the mother's jewelry from her dresser, and 'decorate' both their mom and dad. The parents would wake up to find themselves adorned with rings on their fingers, bracelets on their wrists, and necklaces draped over their necks.
In a very funny horror film, "The Comedy of Terrors," set in England in the early 1800's, undertakers Vincent Price and Peter Lorre try to drum up business by murdering people. One night, they break into a man's home and creep up to his bedroom; he dies of a heart attack (apparently) and Lorre and Price haul him off to their funeral parlor. Of course, the man at some point revives from his catatonic-like state, and hysteria ensues.
Our remote ancestors had to ‘wait and see,’ if they wanted to be sure; they just didn’t have the means available to verify the permanent lack of a heart beat. It wasn’t until 1816 that the stethoscope was invented and that first one was a rudimentary wooden tube.
Nowadays, our sophisticated medical equipment can detect when someone’s heart has stopped beating. The rational brain can learn, right away, for sure, that our Loved One has died…
… but, afterward, the questioning still keeps creeping back. “Where are you?”
It makes sense that an innate hyper-skepticism would be an important survival technique. Perhaps mammals’ early neural programming did include the protective fail-safe default of assuming life – until absolute proof of death… proof that would convince the deep areas of the brain.
For example, animals usually don't leave their dead right away. They often stand guard or keep coming back to them. Elephants will nudge their deceased comrades and even try to help them get up. A chimp might carry her dead infant around for ages. It seems their brains get the message when the natural organic process has occurred to an obvious extent; they then respond according to their species’ typical behavior. They certainly do not go to the great lengths to prevent that natural process as humans sometimes do.
(Smell is such an important feature in the mammalian survival arsenal that it was the earliest of senses to develop. Even now, those signals go directly from the nose to the brain’s primitive olfactory cortex; only a very few of those fibers pass through the thalamus relay center. Just think how many vibrant memories you have experienced naturally erupting solely by smelling certain scents. Smelling apples and cinnamon is far more potent than just seeing them.)
Perhaps our funereal practices that make perfect sense to our rational minds and even comfort us2 are confusing to that primal area of the brain. We do not usually experience our Loved One’s earthly body as really being dead. They are taken away from us almost immediately, and then buried, cremated, etc. within days – sometimes just one day – of death,
If our culture calls for a wake or viewing, morticians – highly trained in embalming and restorative art – can make our Loved Ones look as good as possible for several days after their death. Sometimes, they do such a good job that we say “they look just like themselves,” or “they look like they are just sleeping."
The arrangements are sanitized and made as ‘attractive’ as possible; the services are over so fast; and, all of a sudden, everything is over.
And then – the only “proof” we have that the person has died is their absence.
Just their absence.
And canceling their credit cards. And getting rid of their clothes2. All the things that just feel so wrong to do. Joan Didion wrote in her book, “A Year of Magical Thinking,” that she felt she needed to keep her husband’s shoes because, “He would need [them] if he was to return”… as much as she of course KNEW that he had died.
Maybe all those things feel so wrong because not all of our brain has received convincing enough proof.
Even more befuddling for our brain is if we never got to see the Loved One’s dead body at all; we lived too far away to attend the services; or the body was never recovered – for example, they were lost at sea.
While our brains are truly awe inspiring, magnificent, incredible organs, they still have their limitations, and it takes many many generations to affect such a neural sea change as an embedded survival technique. It is interesting to note: even now that we DO have the means of discerning the actual moment of death, we may still struggle so much with believing the Loved One could be gone, is dead, has died.
Please believe me; I am NOT suggesting that we discontinue any of our customs. Rather, what I am suggesting is that:
· We at least entertain the possibility that our brains were designed – for good reason – to assume or believe life until proven otherwise and that the primitive areas of the brain have their own litmus test that does not yet include believing a computer readout on a machine as proof a Loved One is dead.
That thought alone can interrupt or even quiet the ancient neural pathway of “Where are they?????”
· Since right now a major way of accepting that they are really dead is through “getting used” to their absence3, we can intentionally be patient with ourselves as our neural pathways re-experience the billions of connections that are associated with the Loved One… but this time, experiencing them with the new reality of their death. Each neural connection has to be completely and totally revamped with that new reality. That is how we "get used" to life without them. And, that takes a much longer time than we'd like.
1 Please see the “Grief” section on my website for information on neural imprinting.
A more extensive explanation is in the book I have co-authored, “Changes of the Heart: Martha Beck Life Coaches Share Strategies for Facing Life Challenges” – now available on my website: www.PollyOConnor.com and on Amazon.
2 I’ll be covering these subjects in future postings.
3 Easy and proactive techniques for healing from loss can be found in the above mentioned book; it is available in soft cover on Amazon.com and as an E-book on my website.