There will be sails
Posted on December 2nd, 2010
Breathe, Stay Healthy, Stay Alive, and Let the Tide Bring in the Sail(s)
Toward the end of the movie, “Castaway,” Tom Hank’s character, Chuck, is sitting in front of a fireplace, talking quietly with someone (his father, if my memory serves me correctly).
Chuck is slowly and thoughtfully saying:
I feel so sad about losing Kelly…
I feel so grateful that I had her…
Then, referring to his unsuccessful suicide attempt and how powerless he felt:
I realized I could not even kill myself.
I could only breathe…
stay as healthy as possible…
and then…
He paused, as if in amazement, and said:
… and then the tide brought in the sail.
After the loss of a very significant person, sometimes the best we can do is:
- Breathe. It can feel quite painful and even unwanted to breathe after such a loss but it is, of course, critically important for survival. Breathing correctly is just as important and can help you – emotionally, mentally, physically. Here's a great technique you can do in just five minutes: http://philmaffetone.com/manualbiofeedback.cfm. Great info on breathing correctly: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/wellbeing/5901075/Why-do-so-few-of-us-know-how-to-breathe-properly.html
- Stay as healthy as possible. The statistics are staggering: serious diseases, accidents, and even death are much more likely after a significant loss. The more significant the loss, the greater the chances of injury, illness, or death. So, please – stay as healthy as possible. Eat well, rest, exercise.
- The question of suicide. To paraphrase Peter McWilliams ("How to Survive the Loss of a Love"), it is never the answer. It is not okay. Our journey is not over – and the pain truly will soften in time. That may be hard to believe when you’re in the throes of new grief, but it’s true. The more you gently allow the grieving process to unfold, the more proactive you are, the sooner and more completely healing will happen (while still retaining all the memories and lessons of the loved one).
- Incredibly – incredibly and always – the tide will bring in a sail. Many sails. (Metaphorical sails.)
That monologue of Chuck/Tom Hank’s is so brilliant.
On a personal note: the first time I saw the movie – in 2000 – those words meant nothing to me. Interesting, yes. But that was all. Then, very soon after John died, I happened to watch the movie again, and the first statements stopped my heart. I wrote them down because they were so meaningful: I missed John so much, I was so grateful for having him, and I know all I could do was breathe and stay as healthy as I could.
Those words are still taped on the inside of my desk drawer where I can easily see them, six years after John’s death, because - incredibly – there are countless sails still being brought in by the tide. I became a Life Coach… moved to a wonderful place, met wonderful new friends, kept all my ‘old’ friends, have had amazing experiences… became infinitely stronger as a person.
If John were still with us (and oh, how I wish he were!), none of that would happened. There would have been different ‘sails’ if he were still alive, and I would have cherished those as I do these. This is the paradox that Kate Braestrup wrote about in “Here If You Need Me.” On the one hand, we yearn for our loved ones. On the other hand, we wouldn’t be where we are today if…..
If you are new to significant grief, please know that – at the same time you can hold onto all the wonderful memories of your loved one – you will find, over time, there will be many sails being brought to you on the tides.
As much as we may wish it were otherwise, your loved one’s journey has changed. Your journey must continue. Keep breathing, stay healthy, stay alive… and let the tide bring in your sails.