WHY do we yearn so much for our loved one when they’re gone?

Posted on April 16th, 2011

One huge reason:   

 

OXYTOCIN

 

This is truly a miracle drug.  A miracle drug that we produce ourselves… and that makes us feel so wonderful when we’re with our loved one… and that we miss terribly when they’re gone.

We miss not just "the loved one."  We (of course) miss the wonderful feelings when we were with our loved one, when we saw them, even when we just thought of them.  The cause of those wonderful feelings:  the oxytocin that our brain naturally releases.

Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that does a lot in our body and in our brain.  It makes us feel contented and calm.  It makes us feel bonded and safe.  The brain and body loves oxytocin… and, when we are with a loved one, we get lots of oxytocin. 

There are oxytocin receptors in our amygdala.  The amygdala is the small, almond-shaped area of the brain that’s responsible for our fight-flight response, and oxytocin actually calms the amygdala.  We feel safe and secure and bonded. We feel connected – and that is a major survival drive.  When our loved one is gone, we aren’t releasing the same amount of oxytocin (maybe not releasing any at all!).  The amygdala isn’t getting the calming miracle drug, and we can feel anxious and alone and even frightened.  For more info about the amygdala, please see my chapter, “Our Brain When We Grieve,” in the book, “Changes of the Heart: Martha Beck Life Coaches Share Strategies for Facing Life Challenges.”

There are oxytocin receptors in all the chambers of your heart[1].  Do you remember how your heart felt so wonderful when you were with your loved one, or thought of them?  Results from research by the National Institutes of Health indicate that oxytocin connecting with those receptors in the heart cause the slowing of the heart and a reduction in the force of contractions.  We feel wonderful.  Then, our hearts are no longer getting those regular doses of oxytocin… and instead are being flooded with stress chemicals.  Our hearts can actually/physically hurt when our loved one is gone.

Skin-to-skin contact causes oxytocin to be released – resulting in a whole landslide of happy warm feelings.  It is a proven bonding chemical.

Oxytocin is produced in the posterior retina (the rear of the retina)[2].    Could this be why even your vision seemed to take such great pleasure in just gazing at your loved one?  The feeling is more than just the muscles around the eyes relaxing; it’s like a cascade of wonderful feelings throughout the brain and body that seem to emanate from the eyes themselves.

Oxytocin is one of the controlling factors in our microcirculation.  A decrease in oxytocin can cause cold hands and feet.  This can start up a whole loop of reactions – making us feel alone and vulnerable – and, cold.

 

Oxytocin is such an important neuropeptide that the National Institutes of Health is studying its use in easing addicts’ withdrawal cravings.  They are finding that oxytocin can reduce symptoms of withdrawal from addictions to opiates, cocaine, alcohol… and it might even help maintain sobriety in addicts.[3]

A 2008 study on oxytocin’s impact on burn injuries said it “… possesses antisecretory and antiulcer effects, facilitates wound healing and is involved in immune and inflammatory processes.” [4]

From a 2010 study:  “Conclusion:  Oxytocin can be considered as a potential agent in treating burn-induced distant organ injury.” [5]

The beauty of this miracle drug is that we can do healthy things to spur its release.  See my next post for some of those healthy things we can do.

 

 

 

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